Those have been my words since Aug. Exactly what my soul craves. And it’s hard!! This journey also made me face a truth I wasn’t expecting (I share it toward the end).
I’m a serious minded person. Seeking fun & laughter does not come natural and at times has felt FRIVOLOUS. Especially after my deployment to Afghanistan. But since my reliable source of laughter, my husband, is gone a total of 4 months this year (on our last window – woohoo!) I’ve had to ? and wonder.
~ Can I be funny?
~ Can I make jokes?
~ Can I choose to make space to laugh?
It has not been easy. My first step has been with work. I have 3 clients I really enjoy. I have a MOUNTAIN of expectations I put on myself in sharing this very blog message AND we homeschool & we are a military family. Everyone says, “That’s a lot.” I’ve always blown it off until I melted down over the summer during one of hubby’s trainings & decided I WANT LIFE TO BE SO MUCH MORE!
First step to more: I blew up my mountain of expectations. It’s taken #onestepatatime but I’m there. Finally.
How I live it out is with a simple formula:
Not fun + Outside my immediate responsibilities = NO.
– No I won’t guilt trip about my message not spreading faster
– No I won’t focus on all that I *could* be doing
– I will NOT listen to anyone’s opinion about my life who isn’t walking ALONG side me
– I WILL ? logically comparing myself to ANY person!
• YES I will tickle my kids when they’re difficult. (aka, being a kid and I don’t get it)
• YES I will read whatever I want.
• YES I will enjoy #ellentube for an hour
• YES I will believe I’m a #badasslady JUST AS I AM
• YES I will trust God’s provision on my life
These choices allowed Fun & Laughter to flow my way the last 60 days. It’s been a battle and the fruit of the labor is starting to blossom.
As goodness came, so did a startling truth.
Somehow in my purpose to have FUN & Laughter at the center of my ? I discovered how I *REALLY* feel about myself.
I don’t *truly* trust myself. For 9 years my emotions, thoughts, reactions have caused me to believe I am untrustworthy because sometimes they hurt others. Sometimes PTSD rules my world and spills over into other’s lives. PTSD is hard to explain. Hurting others is never my goal but it would happen, causing another memory of mistrust (with myself).
Whew. Wow. Dang. Whoa. Ok, what do I do with that revelation?!?!?
First, take another deep breath. Then take one step and keep it simple, for now.
I’ve chosen to rewrite my belief and overtime will come to believe it.
Trish is Trustworthy. Completely.
I will continue the fight for Fun & Laughter to grow around me. And maybe, just maybe, my PTSD will continue to heal. If not, at least my soul happens to be.