“The darkness did not stop there. I continued to struggle with an unfamiliar rage living inside of me. Prior to this dark period, I faced the realities of PTSD, postpartum depression, military- spouse depression, and mourning grief over the loss of a community. Becoming a mom was not the only life-altering transition in my life, but it has proven to be my most difficult to understand. I hear that is normal, thankfully. As I tried to wrap my head around the storm inside, I sat in my favorite room of our home, flooded with emotion and insecurity. I wondered if my little ones wanted me as their mama. After all, if they loved and respected me, then their actions would reflect those feelings (and validate my place in their world).; This lie filtered into my mind and heart and taken root without my notice.
Completely broken. I sat in our beautiful home shattered. As the thought of leaving flooded my mind, quickly by absolute shame and guilt consuming my heart and soul. These little ones didn’t know any better, why would they want the person who makes their food and tucks them in at night to leave?
This is one of those dark places of motherhood I believe we are scared to talk about. We don’t discuss our most vulnerable human moments and the soul-cutting struggles we encounter in the journey of raising small humans because we fear shame, discomfort, and judgment. One reason I am writing this book and sharing my story with you is to break the silence, provide a safe place for you, and share the hope for change. More women walk around in shame and fear than we are aware of because it’s not social accepted to discuss these struggles, we live in a Pinterest-Perfect world. Granted, these aren’t topics to bring up at dinner parties; however, hiding behind closed doors and enveloping ourselves in shame and guilt is not the way we were intended to live out our days on this planet. I believe we have come to underestimate the power of a ray of pure light shown cutting into the darkness— one ray can change the trajectory of a life. I know this because that is what happened for me.
I was battling an unknown demon and eventually opened up about my struggle. I am blessed to have relationships with three people in my world who each shined a ray of light into my world while I continued to hide my pain from everyone else. In their love and grace, I found my first steps of healing. They did not judge me, nor they did they placate me with empty words. My moments with them were filled with love, compassion, and encouragement. Their words and mercy were an extension of Our Father’s unconditional love, and I soaked it up.
There is a little more to the day I sat in my favorite seat and broke.
No doubt, I was in a dark place. Have you ever been in a dark place and weren’t quite sure how you got there? You look around, and the landscape is not as you remembered. The environment has changed, and the people are unrecognizable, especially the one in the mirror. In my darkest season, mythe view of motherhood seemed tohad altered shift on a dimein an instant. No longer was the loving, caring, patient mama sitting on the floor with her children. A raging monster had taken over her body and was doing her best to reenact Godzilla’s takeover of New York City.
For those of you whoIf you already have a relationship Christ, you are able tomight be able identify to recognize the flesh and the enemy working in those moments and the thoughts taking hold of your mind. The part that really surprised me is that I could not stop them! I know God, and we areI usually feel in sync with one anotherHim (at least or as much as I know how to be at this point in my journey)…and I could not shut out the enemy. My weary soul was consumed with brokenness. And I crossed a line.
I share the line I crossed to hopefully release you from the lines you may have crossed and, to show you that there is no perfection in our flesh. There However, thankfully, there is redemption in God, and you can choose another path. No matter what you have done or said, yourthe past does not have to be your define youring future. Will you pick something else? Will you allow me to show you a different choice? Are you open to love? Are you willing to allow healing?”
Does this resonate with you?
If you’d like to hear more about my journey to healing from a Father’s Rejection, even the day that shattered my world forever, check out the story HERE. I believe when we share our story we are able to shine a light on the possibility of healing and have a chance to live more in our purpose.